Reflections

October 24, 2010

This morning at meeting an older man came in wearing dress shoes, slacks, a button down shirt and a cardigan. Half of the cardigan was tucked neatly into his pants with his shirt, the other half was not. I imagined him tucking in his shirt and not realized that he’d also tucked in his sweater. I couldn’t help but think that it was somewhat adorable, cute, endearing. I feel like it’s patronizing to call old people cute, but I also feel like its true.

Both of my parents have recently fallen into this Cute Older Person category. They have both also recently had their 60th birthday which maybe allows them to be cute, or allows me to see them as cute. Their most recent cuteness?

In the Charlotte airport during a layover on my most recent trip back to the States I call my dad to let him know that…well…that I’m in the Charlotte airport on a layover. This is what is wonderful about parents: it’s so easy to call them just to say hi. He barely registers this information and launches into something which sounds to me like bullfighting school. It must be a poor connection.

The following day when my family gathers in NJ I realize that I heard correctly. He and my Uncle are going to sign up for bullfighting classes in CA. While he’s at it, my Uncle is going to take stunt-driving classes in NJ. Ji-Soo is with me and I look to him to gauge his reaction only to see him launch into conversation with my Uncle about how fun and relatively affordable stunt-driving classes would be. I wonder if my wacky family is a surprise for him or if somehow, through knowing me, he is prepared for this. I wonder: in his mind, am I part of this group?

Mom, just in time for her 60th birthday, has joined the local rowing club. She updates constantly about the goings-on of the Indian River Boat Club. She is excited. I comment to Ji that although both of my parents are mature and capable adults, they both have a certain childlike quality about them. They both get very focused and excited about new endeavors they take on. I wonder if this has been passed on to my brother and I. I wonder if this is part of what first drew my parents together. I wonder, am I part of this group?

A few months ago during children’s meeting the facilitator had the kids draw two pictures of themselves: one of how they see themselves and one of how they think other people see them. I was at the same time overwhelmed by the difficulty and depth of this task and by my desire to try it. How do I see myself? How do others see me? In a recent email to a friend I confessed, “It may make me a total sap, but I just miss hanging out with you.” She responded, “You’ve always been a total sap, and I miss you too.”