Moths

Today in Meeting I thought about moths. When I first got to Costa Rica I used to watch them with confusion as they smashed relentlessly into the lights bulbs in my house. Why do they do that? What satisfaction could they possibly be gaining? Then someone explained to me that they are programmed to keep the moon at a certain position in relation to themselves for navigational reasons. I guess this helps with community and mating. When they are smashing into my light bulbs, they are confusing the light for the moon and circling closer and closer until boink they hit the “moon”. Their programming, instead of helping them, leads to their demise.

I thought today of my own programming. That alone was quite a task – how am I programmed? I think of myself as an educated, critically thinking, independent woman and, as much as I hate to admit it, a feminist. I can indentify times when this programming (for lack of a better word, but let’s just keep using it because that’s not really the point) has helped me, mostly in standing up for myself and trudging through sexual harassment at work. I am proud of my programming, but I have to wonder – if I find myself drawn to a light bulb, will I know? In a community of moths, what would happen if one thought, “Hey, this doesn’t make sense” and flew away from the light? I’m not sure if my metaphor is clear, but my worry is this: will there come a point where trying to be a free-thinking independent, confident woman will actually hinder me?

And then after Meeting the clerk spoke about what they did in children’s Meeting. They read a story about a painter who felt like his paintings were not beautiful enough, so he went out into the world to find the most beautiful thing. First he came across a couple in love and thought that this love was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen and painted them. He continued on until he saw a soldier coming back from war, rejoicing in peace and thought this was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen and painted the soldier’s face. Then he came across an old man saying his evening prayers with dedication and thought that this man’s faith was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen and painted the old man. As he was returning home he glanced in the window before passing through his door and saw his wife reading a love letter that he had written her when they first met. On her face he saw all three of the beautiful things he encountered in the world: love, peace and faith. He realized that he has had all three right at home all along, he just hadn’t realized it.

What, is this supposed to be some sort of sign? Geesh.

Someone else shared a quote from a famous theologian about how doubt is not the absence of faith, but rather, a necessary component. That made me feel a little bit better.

And as people began to share information about flu vaccines and swine flu, my gaze was drawn to the window in the back of the Meeting room, looking out over the soccer/frisbee field. A cloud had started to move in and was slowly creeping around the corners of the school house, hiding everything in its path. Very exciting.

And then, after typing this, I walked to Stella's bakery for a snack and ran into a woman here from Texas who I had met last Sunday at the Meeting potluck. We ate together and she explained the research she is doing - Costa Rican history - and how it is having such a positive impact in a place where people only want to talk about the Quakers. We talked for a long time about her work and my experiences and culture and immigration and privlege and and and... It was all quite fascinating.