A Leading

8.30.09

Today I am snuggled in reading my Mothers of Feminism book. It is August and it is cold. I can no longer read in the hammock for more than ten minutes or it becomes uncomfortable. Now I am inside in a hooded sweatshirt and a down vest and am still waiting for my fingers to warm up again.

I am curled up in the arm chair munching on plain yogurt and granola from the cheese factory, reading "Chapter 8: Quaker Women and the Early Suffrage Movement". Anna Elizabeth Dickinson was eighteen years old in 1860 when she became well known for her anti-slavery lectures. I think : 18. Wow. I think when I was eighteen I was too confused to do anything with much conviction. I don't think I even believed much in myself let alone any cause. I wonder what everyone was saying in these anti-slavery lectures.

But this is not what I put my book down to ponder. Here is what I found so interesting, on page 123, at the top, still talking about Anna Elizabeth Dickinson: "Susan B. Anthony admired her and tried to persuade her to lecture for women, but Anna Dickinson replied that like an other Quaker woman she had to wait for a leading. Although she supported the rights of women, this leading never came."

I wonder if the emphasis is on Quaker or woman. Did men need to wait for leadings? But once again, I am off topic.

I read this and stopped short. A leading. Like a calling? I, of course, think of this wacky and unconventional thing I am doing with my life. I am not a Quaker, although much of what I'm learning about the faith sits right with me. During orientation before school started we met as a staff to talk about Quakerism and its role in the school. Minister-less, or un-programmed meetings were described as a time to listen for a message from God. The facilitator of this particular session acknowledged that listening for God can be a little weighty for some people to get down with and rephrased it as "listening for a message". I like this idea a lot.

I spend a lot of time by myself here - walking, in the hammock, home at night. I do a lot of thinking and reflecting, but rarely come up with evidence of these thoughts. I never conclude anything, or find next steps, or have closure, or find solutions. Usually my thoughts just bump around like clothes in a dryer.

Sitting in Meeting is different. It's almost as if I draw focus and encouragement from the other quiet, pensive bodies around me. I don't think being in Meeting is about conclusion, next steps or closure, but this is what happens for me. I feel productive, although I doubt this is the goal either.

All of this happens and none of it has to do with God for me. Some could argue that this time spent on active listening is prayer, and that the unspoken connection and understanding with the other members is God, and I can not argue with that. But getting back to my point: I believe in learning to listen, whether it is to God or myself and I believe in having a leading or calling whether it is from a religious source or just something that is super right. And I wonder: if I listen hard enough, will I hear my leading? How will I know? What if we are lead/called/drawn to do something that doesn't make us happy? Or not lead to do something that we really want to do?

This brings me back to Anna Elizabeth Dickinson. The woman had talent. She was such a great orator that she got a personal request from President Lincoln to endorse his re-election. And all this in the 1860's when being an outspoken, articulate, critically thinking woman was not popular (is it ever?). Would it have been so hard for her to also include women's rights on her agenda? Was she lacking passion? Interest? Ideas? Or just the go-ahead from upstairs?

This is where I hope the "comment" button will be used. I wold love to hear thoughts from ya'll (you know, the four or five of you who read this) on leadings. Do they even exist? How do we know when we are doing what we are meant to be doing? When we love what we do? When we are good at it? When it is convenient? Fulfilling? And is it OK to not do something you are lead to do? If so, when? Do leadings only apply to occupation? Can you be lead to live in a certain place or to commit to a certain someone?

OK, I will stop. But this idea of doing what you're meant to do (and being with who you're meant to be with) has me consumed, in case you could not tell. Thank you Margaret Hope Bacon for giving me some history around which to focus my questions.